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2018 Draft Superlatives
Introduction Just like that another draft is behind us. Months of anticipation, planning, off-season competitioning, and it all came down to less than an hour's worth of stress and anxiety (but enough about me, amiright?). If you're like me, you came out of the draft thinking positive thoughts. Maybe you didn't think 'holy shit, I'm going to win the whole thing this year,' but you probably thought 'I definitely have a playoff team, a few tweaks and I think I have a powerhouse." Well, it's a nice thought. But the reality is four of us are missing the playoffs. Five of us, in fact, are going to lose our first game in less than two weeks. The harshest reality of all? Only The Shotti Bunch is going to win it all. But hey, December and Glory Bowl 8 is a long way away. It'll go by in a blink, but for now let's take another couple days to take some deep breaths and prepare ourselves for another season. Before the release the week one power rankings, it's time for 2018 Draft Superlatives: Gif Edition! The 2018 "Supa Hot Fire Diss Gif" Award Team: Sweet Dee Pick: Larry Fitzgerald (20th) Papa gave Dee the first overall pick as revenge for sticking him in that same spot last season. Dee got her revenge by snagging Larry Fitz before Papa could grab him in the third round. Another vicious blow in the ever-evolving and ever-puzzling Papa vs. Dee rivalry. The 2018 "???? Gif" Award Team: Sweet Dee Pick: New England Defense (134th) Dee is the only member of the league with two awards, but I just couldn't pass this one up. I mean...WHAT? Ravens, Steelers, Saints, Falcons, Texans. Those were just five defenses still on the board when Dee panicked and reached for New England. She knows they don't even have a D.C., right? The 2018 "Think Gif" Award Team: Bell of Da Ball Pick: Keelan Cole (122nd) Any time you can snake a team’s projected top WR with the 122 pick you sort of have to do it, right? Great late round grab here for Balls with little risk and the potential for high reward. Also, digging the name change. Challenging Zach for the "only team that changes names every year" award. The 2018 "Wild n Out Gif" Award Team: ma ma momma said Pick: Sammy Watkins (78th) Ezekiel Elliot, Robert Woods, Jay Ajayi, Matthew Stafford. The gang's all here! Jared had a troublesome 2017 season, and he follows it up by reassembling the same core players. By the time he grabbed Sammy Watkins at 78th overall I started to wonder if he was pulling a prank on all of us, but ultimately the joke may be on him. The 2018 "Gaga Super Bowl Jump" Award Team: Papa's Posse Pick: David Johnson (4th) Fuck it! I'm going for it! That had to be what Papa was thinking right before slamming the "draft" button on David Johnson for the second year in a row. Full disclosure, I thought Johnson tore his ACL along with everyone else who had knees last season. Turns out just a wrist injury. Not so bad! But if David Johnson doesn’t return 1st round value to Papa for the second year in a row we might see a reenactment of this gif off the Newport Bridge. The 2018 "Antonio Brown Stomps a Brown Gif" Award Team: WhatCanBrownsDoForYou? (Formerly The Duck Punchers) Pick: Antonio Brown/Jarvis Landry/Josh Gordon/Duke Johnson Jr. (5th/25th/76th/96th) LOTTA BROWNS HERE! GETCHA BROWNS! Who am I to judge, but maybe putting all that stock in a team that hasn't won a game in almost 700 days isn't the greatest idea. I mean Sweet Dee bet it all on the Saints last year and they made Divisional Weekend while she played in the Million Dollar Game. But I guess when you have Antonio Brown as your head Brown that's not turrible. The 2018 "Titus 'Whoa What' Gif" Award Team: Paddock 9 Pick: Matt Ryan/Patrick Mahomes (95th/117th) I think this is the first time I have ever seen a team pick QB’s in back-to-back rounds in any fantasy draft, ever. There was simply no need for this to happen. Every single team had already selected a QB by the 10th round except for RIPDab, who famously streams the position. Lack of situational awareness might have cost P9 a shot at a breakout position player. The 2018 "Michael Scott NOOOO Gif" Award Team: Garoppoblow Me Pick: Mark Ingram (34th) Honestly, this was one of the worst moments in fantasy draft history for me. I accidentally pull the trigger on Mark Ingram when I already have two starting Saints AND Ingram is suspended for a quarter of the season. Anyone watching my live reaction can attest: this gif came to life in my war room on Sunday night. The 2018 "White Guy Blinking Gif" Award Team: Pain Train WOO WOO Pick: Royce Freeman/Kerryon Johnson/Rashaad Penny/Michael Gallup/Tyler Eifert/Dez Bryant (28/48/93/109/113/147) I started doing “white guy blinking” after Kerryon Johnson and it pretty much didn’t stop until Jake Elliott came off the board. Pain Train got his drafts confused and started prepping for the LXC long haul by basically taking the entire rookie class of 2018. Then he follows it up by taking a tight end who has only played 10 games in the last two years and an unsigned WR. The 2018 "Big Baby Tongue Gif" Award Team: RIPDab Pick: Julio Jones (12th) Dab, who leading up to the draft said he was probably going RB/RB in rounds 1 and 2, was licking his chops when he saw Julio Jones still sitting there in the 2nd after he had already taken the highest paid WR in football history. Just can’t pass on the best WR-duo since Pain Train’s Andre Johnson and Calvin Johnson in 2013. The 2018 "Uncomfortable Jay-Z Gif" Award Team: The Shotti Bunch Picks: Entire Draft Double meaning for this one as this represents all ten of us. First, we have Shotti, looking up from the bottom of the draft snake just waiting for his turn. Then, there's the rest of us, worried that Shotti is assembling another monster. Shotti is so in our heads that when he makes a good pick we all curse under our breaths and when me makes a bad pick we all just assume he knows something that we don’t.